The Prison of Shame

I’ve never seen porn.

And still it affected my marriage. 

My husband saw porn for the first time at the age of 8.  He immediately went to his mom to tell her about what he had seen in the men's bathroom stall.  She was so embarrassed that she shamed him and told him that it was disgusting. 

He learned from that moment on that you don't tell anyone what you see...even if it is not at all your fault.  Unfortunately, his mind was not able to erase that picture and a year or so later when spending the night at a friend's house he was introduced to Playboy. 

He struggled on and off for a very long time, especially in college when there were a lot of men looking at porn as the internet had just been made available to all of us.  I did not know about the issue in his life. After we got married we became missionaries.  He had been porn free for a while, but the huge stress that was placed on us caused him to seek stress relief once again in porn. 

Eventually he sought physical interaction and had an affair.  We were sent home in shame, our dreams of life overseas crushed.  In God's grace our marriage has survived.  He went through the 12 steps and intense counseling and has been porn free for several years. Unfortunately for me, I live in the constant fear of the stress he is under and whether or not he will return to porn. 

It is traumatic to say the least.