I Never Thought It Would Destroy My Marriage

The deception was so normal. I never thought she would leave.

Going back and forth between mom to dad was normal when I was a kid. But, my feelings of missing something were suddenly removed the day I found porn. Where I was, how old I was, what the magazine looked like…what that first girl looked like - all vivid details in my mind...forever.

I was 10 (which turns out to be a common age for boys and girls seeing porn for the first time). Decades later, I am finally free from the secret life I thought would save me.

Porn gave me social status cause I had something other kids wanted. They liked me because I had porn. At the same time, I thought I was the only one struggling with my out of control habit. I thought it was only my issue. And, the shame that came with that thought was enormous.

As I grew older, like so many others that I now know, porn wasn’t enough. Its daily impact on me led to strip clubs and hook-ups. Sex wasn’t about intimacy. The relationships I had were never enough and just made me want more porn, more masturbation, more risk, and more casual sex. Nothing satisfied my hunger to make me feel better and fill my emptiness.

Then came the internet. When I married my wife, it wasn’t long before she discovered I had a problem with porn. She knew I would go to strip clubs, get drunk, come home, start a fight, and turn everything on her. She made me angry because she uncovered the truth - porn was destroying our marriage.

The thing I so desperately wanted - to be with someone - ended in me choosing the multiple partners in porn over the wife who tried to everything to make our marriage work.

In the end, porn didn’t win. I’m working on getting better. I have people to hold me accountable. I don’t WANT to look at porn anymore.

I want the real deal.