Am I Pretty Enough For You?

I was married just over a year when I realized there was a problem. The romantic, intimate side of our marriage was virtually non-existent. Since my husband managed all the finances, when I started discovering what amounts were going where, I found “adult” sites.  My husband denied it and was angry at me for accusing him. When he finally admitted he was looking at porn, he said it wasn’t common and he would quit. 

The part that has me so distraught? He said I don’t turn him on.  Even when I initiated sex, he barely responded. I noticed there was no longer any intimacy, it was just a physical act of sex for him. He would go weeks without even kissing me. I felt so used. When I asked him if he still thought I was pretty, he said I could use some “toning up”. 

When I found out I was pregnant, I started pulling away. I felt like it would hurt less to be alone than to be alone with someone lying in the bed with me.  He seemed happier when I stopped “initiating.”  So our loveless marriage turned into zero intimacy and I got better about not wanting him to touch me.  But, then I started resenting him.  He decided that was his license to viewing more porn and because of what he viewed he became completely numb to any visual stimulation I could offer.  While I never thought I was a supermodel, I know I am not ugly either.  I ask myself: If I lost that extra weight, will he love me again?